Most of us struggle with cultural and social understandings of relationships that are not founded in biblical truth. As Kiwis we have developed a particular style of weddings and married life that now reflects our culture. I have performed wedding services in Australia and USA and NZ. I have observed clear differences, the most notable being Kiwi tendency to leave many things unspoken. This is typical of our independent self reliant culture that would do the late John Wayne and most Masonic lodge members proud.
Further complicating marriage is a lack of understanding or training in interpersonal skills that enable us to grasp the significance of behavioral differences and make sense of one another. All in all, being married is not a simple business that naturally occurs; we have so many agendas and social hurdles to jump in order to meet the unspoken criteria of others expectations.
Why do we marry? Most of today’s young people would like an answer to this question. They see little purpose served. Is it just a legal arrangement providing security for wives and children? It once had much to do with this deep need, but in our uncertain economic times this is definitely not true anymore. Is it just a religious legitimization of hormonal drives, invented by priests with control of the masses in mind? Looking at medieval marriages which were so controlled by churches we are definitely not inspired to follow this course and the deep cynicism of Kiwis ensures we don’t.
I am going to give you another reason: Marriage is God-designed to serve as a basis for relationships that will cause us to discover our true selves; our completion and fulfillment in and through another person who becomes our true mirror.
Life is a perfecting (maturing) and purifying process and marriage is a vital aspect of this. Changing partners does not always contribute to this process; we spend so long learning about ourselves through the understanding of another, to start again with someone else could mean a process of unlearning before we can start again and we might find it hard to achieve that hidden quality of relationship. I know some would feel aggrieved at this notion so I say it gently.
Many different approaches to the idea of “living together” on some agreed or even unspoken basis tend to create an environment that avoids the real issues. Sex can be an agreed basis or even common interests just so long as you keep “busy” long enough that you don’t feel the need to talk, think or relate at a deeper level. Once that happens, things may be over!
One item guaranteed to make you relate for good or bad is money. In every relationship there is a miser and a spendthrift. One will buy budget brand (no frills) and the other will buy the best. Both have their rationale. One would give everything away, the other hoard it just in case. Marriage must become the basis of establishing a balance in all matters but that will depend on the basis for marriage.
Marriage is a covenant. We glibly say yes to that idea but we may have lost the true sense of the word. We make vows before God of “for better or for worse” etc. If we do agree with the vows we made there is a basis for making things work. We can blend cultures, overcome race, status, even religious differences and value systems. We even have a basis for handling our In-laws.
We all need and serve value systems that require us to fit our lives around them in definable ways: What part of town you live in, North Shore or “Westy”, country hick or city slicker, renter or owner and where do you work etc.? We must choose to let our values determine relationships or start afresh together building new values perhaps somewhere else. All these micro issues produce challenges for how we relate to God and each other and require many decisions; out of which will emerge your future, so communicating about all these matters becomes critical. Many times I have heard from others that the years went by so fast and many dreams were unrealized, mostly because there was no agreed plan to actually do those things. Marriage is about achieving in life together and requires consistent mutual trust. This does not necessarily mean financial success but a life of fulfilled dreams.
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