1 Peter 3:7: “Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect and with quality time as the weaker partner and as co-heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will frustrate your prayers.”
We all want others to think and act as we do. We have an unrealistic “aisle altar Hymn” thing going on when we marry. The fact is we do not behave the same and because opposites attract, we are due for a few surprises when we begin to settle into the everyday.
We all exhibit a basic behavioural style that is called a “social style.” When we are at work and engaged or focussed on something our behavioural style shifts gear and we seem like another person. During courtship we are often exhibiting this work style because we see the process of attracting a mate as a job to be completed. Once the whole process of weddings etc. is complete, our more relaxed social style come to the fore and the change can seem dramatic. This can take some major adjustments and some really don’t take it well. They want to lock their partner into the style they exhibited during courtship. This results in terrible tension so the locked-in partner begins to mask their true self. This can become habitual and go on for a long time rather like acting in a perpetual play. Disaster is looming and a crisis of relationship will occur.
Some effort should be made to explore each other’s communicating style during courtship but mostly that will never happen. The real key is to let each other be who they are without trying to change them into something. We are not what we think we are; nor what others think we are; we are what we think others think we are. It takes a long time to be fully at ease with ourselves. Some common issues I have dealt with in discussions are issues of difference in style of communicating ourselves. To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. - To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and try not to understand her at all! Very analytical style people who think things through and make lists in their mind, struggle to feel things at an external level; they tend to analyse events and shut off emotions in favour of the logical. They need to see this tendency mirrored and lighten up. Assertive people who are often seen as a threat by less assertive people, tend to feel unwelcome in Church circles. Naturally promoting styles are seen as flirts because they use eye contact eloquently. Warm friendly styles can seem stubborn and non-committal.
I am just cracking open the door to understanding people’s behaviour so that we might be aware that people do not always fit our expectations. We need to see differences as strengths not problems.
Assertive and decisive people want to know “here or in the bedroom?” Warm friendly folk want reassurance: “Oh go on its OK, you can trust me...” Promoting people respond to incentives: “OK go ahead!” Analytical people need details: “It’s been 3 weeks 21 hours and 22 minutes...”
Life bashes us up as married couples and we need repair. The first rule is to play together: Dine fancy, do sports together, do stuff you both enjoy but get off the couch and do it! Worship and pray together, be big supporters of your church together. Make friends that you both enjoy. A good mix of friends will keep you both young. Not just your peers or workmates spread the net wide! Enjoy your kids but don’t worship them, wean them. So many parents cannot let go without trying to make their kids fit some concept and career. This is a stress for all. Love each other seems like a redundant phrase since that is why you married. Sadly we get caught up with the business of life and forget love is something you do. It is not a feeling or something you just take for granted. Dream together then do stuff together. Be considerate.
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