The humdrum of life, meeting obligations and fulfilling the mostly imagined expectations of others can build up a sense of lack of fulfillment in areas of our life. We seek unconsciously to fill up those areas that we feel are overlooked in our marriage. We are sailing toward hidden reefs and these unspoken hidden agendas in our life can literally explode with power given the ideal situation. Always these strangely coincidental circumstances parade themselves as some form of love and love justifies many wrongs. We find ourselves drawn into a web of deception and devastating cycle of events.
Let me tease out the scenario for you: You work and interact with someone of the opposite sex, there is no doubt that we all work through the possibilities and the dangers in our minds. We flirt with the possibilities in our minds first and that is where this idea should be put to death. If we don’t the next stage is to “test” the waters; jokes, the knowing looks the casual touch, sharing little confidences. Now the private fantasies are growing in intensity; oddly coincidental meetings and some touching – you just like to be with that person and talk a lot – it is all happening, the current is drawing you now… over Niagara falls…
I have observed that in these situations we are often drawn to someone like ourselves which would mean this is about a kind of self (indulgent) love; strangely introverted. The warning signs were on the package: work a lot and work late - keep funny irregular hours - habits begin to change – change your hair/clothing style – more secretive now – worry about your health etc. Now the emotional roller coaster has momentum and guilt, self justification (I’ve earned this) begin to rampage through your soul. Highs and lows will make you wonder if you are becoming manic at times. Paradoxically people at this stage begin to fuss over their spouse and kids then at other times seem completely distant, blaming their spouse, alternating between anger and buying favor. This whole process can destroy health and happiness. It is called sin. To know how it happens is to avoid it.
The cure is quite violent and painful. There is a narrow path away from the inevitable destruction that will follow the life of such a person. It may be a long time but like Bob Dylans song “Slow train comin’” such a person is tied to the tracks. Meanwhile if there is no awareness of the deception, they may go on into a lifetime of multiple affairs and enjoy the devils reward of serving their own desires.
Step one is to break the power of the deception by seeing it then prayer for deliverance. Step two is to remove all possibility for further temptation by cutting forever all communication with the other party. Now is a good time to confess to someone. After praying about who that might be I would urge such a person to re-think about confessing to their spouse. Most often the spouse reacts by divorcing them and this is not always the right response. When Jesus spoke of divorce in Matthew, he referred to divorce as “porneia” which really means a continued devotion to a false idol or someone who make adultery their lifestyle. A “fall” if repented of, is not really grounds for divorce.
Confessing to someone like a friend, counselor or pastor means that they can agree to check up on the person for a season till they are out of the woods. Then they can simply forget the matter for their own safety. The person, who is confessed to, needs to spend time with the Lord to unload the guilt that may have been transferred. This is a scriptural principle of priesthood.
Now the marriage needs some time to return to a natural equilibrium. This should not be forced nor should an unconscious shifting of blame or expectations be projected onto a partner.
People who have fallen are vulnerable to other falls since there is a weak point or propensity the evil one will want to exploit. A change of habits may expose areas of temptation to the light of truth. The memories set up by the fall will take considerable time to fade away and have ongoing emotional consequences. This will be either destructive or character-building in the long run. The whole key is to realize that repentance is also a continuing process in our lives.
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